Why does Allah make me Gay and hate myself?


I’m a 17-year old boy still in university and this is the first time in my life I’m telling anyone about my sexuality.

Everyday, whether I'm at home, in a mosque, with friends; I always hear the same attitudes from Muslims towards gays: hatred, disgust, how the media is trying to constantly promote it (I agree with this one) and how the whole gay community deserves death. I never chose to be gay. Allah made me this way. I hate it. I hate myself. I have been taught to hate myself.

I hear my parents and siblings talking about how no gay person can be a Muslim and I have to sit there knowing they're talking about me. They'll talk about how they could never accept a gay person in any aspect of their life unaware that each word they're saying is directed at me. I've been able to successfully accept how Allah has made me but at times the self loathing just all comes flooding back. I'll lock myself in the toilet and cry and beg Allah to help me but I don't know whether He'll actually help me. I don't want to go to hell.

It's Ramadaan now and I've been fasting and trying my best to pray all my salah's but are they even being accepted? I love Allah and I'll pray and beg him to love me back everyday, no matter what people will say.

But I would never even dream of coming out as gay to the people in my life, especially my parents. I can't even bare the thought of their pained faces and just thinking about it is making me cry. I will never get married to a man or a woman and I will never be able to be my true self. I'm scared that locking such a big part of myself up inside is eating away at me and causing me to be depressed.

Does Allah want me to spend my whole life pretending to be happy in front of everyone at college, at home, at mosque, in my area when in reality I feel depressed and unloved? Does He want me to never get married, never to be content with a loving wife and beautiful children? Am I to remain a virgin my whole life? I have never in my life been sexually attracted to a woman so when some people say "just get married and you'll get normal" I know for a fact that's a lie. It's unfair on the both me and my wife to get married.

I look around and see the state the Muslim ummah is in and it saddens me that the one thing we seem so hellbent on eradicating is the gay community (which I hate having to say Allah has made me a part of). I know that somewhere in the Qur'an there is a part that will preach love and tolerance for all, including gays, but I also know that 90% of Muslims will ignore this part and continue to remind me how I ought to be stoned to death.

I love Islam and I would never dream of leaving such a perfect religion but my main question is does Allah want me to spend the rest of my life alone, unhappy and suffering from sever depression?