I’m a Muslim and I’m gay


As-salamu alaykum

I am straight acting / normal looking guy in my late 20s.

I am really ashamed of my self and fearing Allah’s punishment for the major zina/sins I have committed plus i used to drink/smoke drugs go clubbing, avoided salat. I have committed zina/sins with both girls and boys in the past from age of 10y-25y mostly with boys/guys and I've had boyfriends and I am not proud of saying that.

I tried not to be gay and love girls and I've had girlfriends but it never worked I have zero sexual / physical and emotional attraction and connection with girls or anything girly, even if she's like the miss world I have absolutely no desire to be with them, I do not hate girls, I am sexually / physically and emotionally attracted to boys and men only.

I am suffering its affecting my life I find it hard time not looking at attractive younger guys, get easily turned on, wanting to touch them and a desire to have them in some way. I mustabate and I am addicted to gay pornography when i have homosexual urges/sexually aroused, I know mustabation and watching gay pornography is a sin but I don't know what can I do to relive my urges, I don't want to commit any more physical homosexual acts sins.

I wish one day I can have children and a family but don't think that will be possible, I'm trying to change and be a better Muslim, pray, give charity and stand up for Islam against haters.

Sometime I feel like I should die or be killed for my zina / sins I have committed in this world so to avoid Allah's punishment in the grave and Al Qiyamah (The Day Of Judgement) so hopefully Allah forgives me and has mercy on me, deep inside my heart I always fear and love Allah (swt)

I am scared to go to sleep incase I don't wake up! Fearing of dying in sleep and not being punish and not being forgiven by Allah (swt) in this world before I die.

With a pain in my heart and tears in my eyes while I am writing this fearing Allah's punishment for what I have done to myself and against Allah (swt)!

Please any advice?

Thank you